What the fuck...?
Don't ask.
What's this gay monkey in a basket thing?
See the full history.
Why do you always say things are gay?
Because it's gay.
What do you have against gay people?
I don't put anything of mine against gay people. That would be rude, and they might get the wrong idea.
Okay, why do you hate gay people, then?
I don't. Gay people are just fundamentally amusing. The entire idea is hilarious. At some point in human history, two guys were sitting around and decided to have sex. That's what being a man's all about; you sit around in a group and convince one another that incredibly stupid concepts are really brilliant ideas, and most of those concepts are somehow related to getting laid or solving nonexistent engineering problems. Homosexuality is the perfect example of combining the two: it's primarily about getting laid, and also presents the engineering problem of having two parts that weren't exactly designed to be put together. But, in a stunning display of male ingenuity, the problem was solved by putting other parts to use in ways the designer never expected.
Are you gay?
Depends on how you mean it. If you mean do I find other men attractive, well, yeah, sometimes I do. If you mean do I want to have sex with them, hell no. Gay is a word like tall; everyone's a little tall, even midgets. The only question is HOW tall. I'm not exactly an NBA player, but I'm probably taller than the average guy.
Do you skate?
Yes, since November of 1975.
What kind of skating do you do?
Mostly concrete pools. Some vert. Here in the Seattle area, the only vert available tends to be Masonite, which I absolutely hate; as a result, while I was primarily a vert skater in the eighties (after my seventies speed downhill and slalom obsessions), I don't really get onto ramps much anymore. Lately, I do a lot of street skating because I really suck at it and the only way to get better is to do it.
What kind of board do you ride?
UPDATED August 17, 2002: Blind OG 3 deck ("Popsickle" construction), rather tight Tensor trucks, 52mm Darkstar Master Urethane wheels, Blues hardware, Halo ABEC 3 bearings.
(Previous answer, April 5, 2002: Black Label BlackLight Adams cranium deck, reasonably loose Tensor trucks, 58mm Vision street blank wheels, Shorty's Silverado hardware, FKD ABEC 5 bearings.)
(Previous previous answer, September 27 2001: Black Label BlackLight Hensley G.I. deck, extremely loose Fury trucks, 58mm Vision street blank wheels, two Shock Pads 3/8" risers per truck, Shorty's Silverado hardware, Speed Metals ABEC 5 bearings.)
Are you a pro?
No, because I've never really been a good skater. I like to skate, and I do it a lot, but I'm an intermediate level amateur at best. Every year, I watch kids skate for the first time and end up better than I am in a few months. I'm particularly bad at technical tricks; mostly I'm about speed and air, and those aren't of much interest these days. I've been working on some of the tech stuff, and I'm better at it than I was, but I still suck.
Who's your favorite pro?
If I had to pick an all-time favorite in general, I'd have to say Tony Hawk; he's about my age, and he's into the same general kind of skating I am for the same general reasons. I know everyone ALWAYS says Tony Hawk, but I don't care.
Bob Burnquist is a close second, because he's got that attitude and a certain infectious enthusiasm that's just so damn fun to watch. Rodney Mullen is a distant third, because after you watch Rodney skate for a few minutes you just go on overload and start wondering why you even bother skating in the first place.
None of this has anything to do with who is the "best" skater. I think different skaters are just different -- and the idea that one is "better" than another is sort of what we were trying to get away from when we invented skating to begin with, wasn't it?
Do you hate (some kind of skater)?
No. Skating is skating. I'm more along the lines of hating behavior, not people; while I find that scooters and inliners annoy me more often than other skaters, it's not because of what they ride, but how they ride it. I hate people who stand around blocking good lines, don't look where they're going, deliberately damage property, sell or use drugs and alcohol at public skate facilities, blame other skaters for their own bails, or claim that one particular kind of skating or skater is "better" than another.
Do you hate stair ollies?
Yes. I think they're boring and stupid. There are much more interesting things I'd rather do. But that doesn't mean stair ollies suck, it just means I don't like doing them; if you like to go out and ollie stairs, hey, go for it. Skating is skating. (You may have caught me hurling ollies down a four stair at my apartment complex, but that's mainly to prove that I don't hate them because I can't do them. Yes, I can ollie stairs. I just don't find it fun.)
Do you hate cops?
No. Cops just don't understand skaters. The way they see it, you're riding an almost uncontrollable vehicle with no brakes or steering devices, traveling at high speed on pedestrian thoroughfares. When you look at it that way, it sure sounds like something you shouldn't be doing, doesn't it?
Is that your penis?
Yes.
Why did you take a picture of your penis?
Several years ago, people were constantly asking for pictures of me they could put on their web pages for some reason. I don't really know why. I don't particularly like having my picture taken, so I usually tell them to piss off. After this had gone on for some months, I posted on a mailing list (I believe it was the Godlike list for MUSH administrators, who by long-standing MUD convention are referred to as "gods") that the next time someone asked for my picture I was going to send them a picture of my cock. Some wiseass on the list immediately asked for my picture, I guess so he could laugh at me and say I didn't have the balls to actually send him a picture of my dick. Not being the sort of person who sits still for that kind of thing, I snapped a picture of the old tallywhacker and kicked it over to his email. Chaos ensued as he freaked out that I really did send it, and most of the list clamored for a copy. I don't know why the world was so damned interested in my pecker. Since there was clearly a demand, I stuck this 12K GIF on my web server where it received approximately 2 gigs of traffic in three months, which is about two hundred million downloads. I got a lot of salacious email from men, women, and probably at least a few farm animals. One young lady was a frequent visitor, often checking out the image a dozen or more times in a day. If you ask me, that's pretty fucking scary.
Who is that guy who does gay homo woodpusher?
"Rambling Michael Bennett". I wanted a picture of a cynical-looking young man for the host of GHW, so I did a search on Google using the words "I hate you all". I figured there would be lots of cynical young men doing web pages that said "I hate you all", and some of them would have posted their pictures, and some of them would actually look cynical. His picture was on a column written for a college newspaper. I didn't expect to use him more than once or twice, but he turned into a regular feature. I refer to him as "random image stolen off the internet guy".
Who is that guy you use for Johnson Package?
Contrary to popular belief, no, it is not Pee-Wee Herman (Paul Reubens). It's Rob Thielke. He's an insurance agent for Vern Fonk, and manages their Everett office. He's also the actor who writes and stars in their television commercials, which are well-known in western Washington state as among the most hilarious advertisements around. Most people in this area think Thielke is Vern Fonk, who retired in 1994 well before the outrageous commercials (usually parodies of popular culture) started airing in late 1995. Thielke is a marketing and comic genius, and I'm a huge fan of his work. When I needed someone who was suave, smooth, and silly but looked like a total weenie, I immediately thought of Rob. The picture has been used without his permission.
Who is that guy you use for the British policeman?
Paul Treverton is a former officer of the London Metropolitan Police, and now works as a British tour guide. Since he looks more or less the way I always thought bobbies ought to look, I snagged his picture from the web site for "The British Bobby Touring Company". I had originally planned to use the owner, James Bothwell, but they didn't have a picture of him in the helmet. Besides, he looks too much like a faggot.